EQ Rules: The 'golden question'
By Justin Bariso
Have you ever done something really stupid...Only to ask yourself later:
What was I thinking?
I know I have. I almost had one of those moments the other day, when I was driving with my family. A man pulled out to make a right turn, right in front of us, with zero regard for me having the right of way. I couldn't believe he did it.
Couldn't he just wait a few seconds? I asked myself. Does he not care about anyone other than himself?
For a split second, I thought about following him.
I'd give him a piece of my mind.
Teach him a lesson.
Then, I remembered a practice I learned years ago that helps me to keep my emotions under control when I encounter difficult situations.
It only takes a few seconds, and requires asking a single question.
The golden question
The golden question is actually five questions in one, and it looks like this:
How will I feel about this in:
a day?
a week?
a month?
a year?
5 years?
If you've subscribed to this newsletter for a while, you might realize why this question is so helpful. It has to do with the way our brain processes emotions.
A quick refresher: When it comes to high-level, rational thinking, we typically engage the frontal lobe (or lobes), the largest part of our brain. But when we feel attacked or under pressure, we engage another part of our brain known as the amygdala. The amygdala “hijacks” the brain, taking over with an emotional response.
Emotional hijacks aren’t always bad, but if left unchecked they can lead you to say or do things we later regret.
The "How will I feel..." question helps because it forces you to slow down and use your frontal lobe. And since your emotions are caused by thoughts, controlling your thoughts helps you to control your emotions.
In other words, you "hack" the hijack.
This hack goes far beyond helping you avoid road rage.
For example:
You've been longing to quit your job. You've finally built up the courage to do so, along with a plan to work for yourself pursuing your passion. You hand in your resignation, and your boss immediately tries to talk you out of it, promising a huge raise.
That raise is…tempting.
But then, you ask yourself:
How will I feel about this in:
a day?
Pretty good. I didn't have to stretch out of my comfort zone.a week?
Not bad. Thinking about how I can spend my next paycheck.a month?
So-so. The things I bought with that paycheck weren't so special after all.a year?
Ugh. Why didn't I quit last year?5 years?
Arrrgh. I can't believe I still work here.
Or how about this one:
You're in a great relationship with someone who truly makes you happy. But you're having a bad day, and so is your significant other. They make a thoughtless remark, and you're tempted to say something hurtful in return.
But first, you ask yourself:
How will I feel about this in:
a day?
Not good, but at least I said what I needed to say.a week?
Hmm. I can't believe we haven't made up yet.a month?
Since that fight, things have never been the same.a year?
I can't believe we're breaking up. I thought this was the one.5 years?
I still think about that day. I wish I could take back what I said.
Of course, we all make mistakes we can't change. And you can't live in the past.
But that's the beauty of the golden question...
It actually takes you into the future...and gives you a "second" chance at the present.
By learning to control your thoughts and emotions, you can bring your words, actions, and values into harmony.
You can reduce regrets.
And you can make better decisions.
That's the power of the golden question.
And that's how you make emotions work for you, instead of against you.
Talk soon,
Justin
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TRY THIS: Take time to reflect on a recent situation in which you said or did something you wish you could handle differently.
Then, pretend you could go back in time and ask yourself:
How will I feel about this in:
a day?
a week?
a month?
a year?
5 years?
This is practice. Now, the next time you're caught in an emotional situation, “hack the hijack” by asking yourself the golden question before you speak or act.
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